now i find i've changed my mind

i cannot explain it, but i am changing. i feel like i'm moving into a better place and becoming a better me. i'm thinking about the different influences in my life and
who and what really belongs there. i know i've been quiet for a bit, and i think that's all over now.
i'm trying to pull myself out of a large depression and it's been a long process.
i feel like i'm starting to pick up the pieces and move on. moving on from hurt, heartache, disappointment, failures, etc.
i've been a slave to many unhealthy things for a long time. i'm a little late with the whole spring cleaning thing.
it's going to be october, my month. it will be a time of change.
i think i'm going to move to atlanta proper. i ran away from that city for three years. marietta was my safety net, but i no longer need one.
i've made peace with my anger.
i know it's taken such a long time for me to heal, but now i feel like i'm almost whole again.
i'm meeting new friends and branching out. having new experiences and just living again.
one step at a time i guess.
no fear. no hiding. no silence.
time to turn the page and begin a new day, and a new me...
look out....

drowned world (substitute for love)-madonna:

i traded fame for love
without a second thought
it all became a silly a game
some things cannot de bought
i got exactly what i asked for
wanted it so badly
running,rushing back for more
i suffered fools so gladly
and now i find
i´ve change my mind
the face of you
my substitute for love
my substitute for love
should i wait for you
my substitute for love
my substitute for love
i traveled round the world
looking for a home
i found myself crowded rooms
feeling so alone
i had so many lovers
who settled for the thrill
of basking in my spotlight
i never fell,so happy
famous faces,far off places
trinkets i can buy
no handsome stranger,heady danger
drug that i can try
no ferris wheel,no heart to steal
no laughter in the dark
no onenight stand,no faroff land
no fire that i can spark
now i find i´ve changed my mind
this is my religion...

21 things...

Often times there are musicians that say exactly what I'm feeling. In this case, and in many cases, Alanis has done that....

"21 Things I Want In A Lover"

Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion?
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer

Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? are you funny?
la self-deprecating? like adventure? and have many formed opinions?

These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover

I'm in no hurry I could wait forever
I'm in no rush cuz I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow

Are you uninhibited in bed? more than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...

Boy Cried Love

I've been going back and forth with this whole blog thing. I used to blog like a mother fucker, but now I rarely have anything to say. Well, actually, that's not true. I have tons to say. I guess I just feel I need another place to say it. I have LiveJournal and Myspace (who doesn't). I think I have grown tired of those sites. To me it's seems that most everything on there is a giant dose of the superficial. That's not to say I don't have an ego, cause I do. I just felt like I needed to move to a different "space", so to speak.
So this is my blog. This is all about me and my search for love. I'm 30, live in Atlanta. Single gay man. Being 30 and gay is very strange. Gay years are like dog years, so I'm quite old as far as the community would have it.
I grew up right outside of San Fransisco. Lived there for 23 years. Raised Baptist. Now recovering.
I moved to the south in 2001. I met a guy online and we hit it off and poof, here I am a million years later.
So all of this is I suppose my way to vent and grow. It's about the love I lost, about the love I'd like to find, about my views on the world around me.
I hope many of you find it interesting enough to read...
-N