miscommunication...

I’ve always wondered is if it’s better to say what your feeling, even if you’re not completely understood. Or if it’s better to just not say anything at all. Either way I think it’s a bit of a failure. Miscommunication is really the best word for me I suppose. Never been to keen on the word “failure.”

There have been many times where I’ve not really said what I was feeling, even though I should have. I think that when I get in certain situations, I would rather not rock the boat. Call it doormat or call it complacent. I’ve tended to bury things rather than let them grow in the sun.

I think a lot of people do that. I also believe that what with technology, it has hindered us a bit more rather than bring us closer together. Many times we wind up expressing all our feelings in a text or a nice email. I’ve always been a phone person, or even better an “in person” person. I think it’s toughest when the other person can tell how you’re feeling. When they can either see it in your eyes or tell by the sound of your voice. When you take the time out to discuss something with someone you care about, and not to hide behind technology. I’ve been guilty of it in the past for sure.

One of the problems with text or email is that so much of it can be misread or misinterpreted. That just winds up blowing things completely out of proportion. I think we have just plain forgotten how to communicate. It seems as if they are only words. I could babble on for hours about anything, but unless my heart is in it… it won’t mean a damn thing.

I talked to a friend recently on the phone. My friend and I have known each other now for 20 years. She knows me inside and out, and vice versa. I was telling her about my writing and how I’ve gotten back into it. She has always loved my writing and been quite a great fan. I told her while I have written some good things, I feel like I really didn’t have much to say until recently. It was all words. Words flowing out. For so long I was dead inside (or at least that’s how I felt) and looking back it just comes across as being rather empty. That gets old very quickly.

One of the biggest places where communication has always been a bit of an issue is in the dating realm. I’m not always the best judge as far as someone’s body language. I don’t always know if someone likes me, and when they do I go into “self disbelief” mode. I also have a hard time with what guys say. I’ll go on a date and it will seem like it went swimmingly. Then I’ll never hear from them again. Left stunned because I thought we at least we’re going to have a second date. I never get the second date.

If the guys would just take the time to say they aren’t interested, or what have you, that would make things so very simple. Often times I jump on the phone and tell friends about the date directly after. We analyze what was said as if it was Nancy Drew or The Hardy Boys. I apparently have a failure to understand guys a lot of the time.

Dating in your thirties as a gay man has proved a bit daunting. Not only are you competing with the young twenty something twink boys, you’re also having to pay way more attention to things then before. You have to start practically analyzing everything in order to survive. It might work out better if you think of it as a game show. It basically is. Try your hardest to be bachelor number one. I think when you’re younger you don’t sweat the small stuff, but really it’s the small stuff that can make it or break it.

I went to dinner recently with a friend. Our waiter was very familiar. Turns out he worked at a Starbucks near my old job. We talked a bit and caught up. My friend kept telling me he liked me and I needed to jump on that quick. I kept telling her she was crazy, but all the while second guessing. He told me over and over how good it was to see me and that I looked great. It was the way he said “great” that started to make me wonder. There was a hug emphasis on the word. Like if it were typed it would be in italics and bold,perhaps even underlined

I left him my number and wrote next to it “We should hang out. Call me sometime.”
And did I hear from him again? Nope. In the end I do believe he was interested. I don’t get why he was hovering over me and falling over himself trying to talk to me, if he weren’t interested.
It becomes frustrating after awhile. So when it gets like that I stop trying.
I figure, if it’s not the right time, we’ll just end up confusing each other. Someone won’t understand something, and then things will explode and get all jumbled up. When it’s a sure thing it’s usually not that complicated. Usually.

I’m also not a fan of internet dating sites. It’s good for someone like me who is busy and doesn’t have all the time in the world to go “man wrangling.” I tend to want to meet guys in person immediately. I like to pull them into the real world as soon as possible. With the internet you can hide behind a character of sorts. You can’t always tell who is being real or not until you grow a pair and meet them. And even after meeting them sometimes you have a hard time discovering the real them.

In the end, my biggest problem with communication is really when things go unsaid but it is assumed that the other person knows what is going on. My perception is flawed, I’ll be the first to admit it. When my breakup happened, my ex begged me not to leave his life. I was frustrated and over it. I told him I was done and we couldn’t speak anymore. He pleaded with me on this one. Said I couldn’t do that to him. I agreed, mainly cause he was able to play me like a tuba. I say tuba cause it’s big and awkward… and after holding it for so long you want to run screaming from it. Unless of course you’re into that sort of thing.

Two weeks after I gave in, he just stopped talking altogether. No email. No phone. No nothing.
That is what pisses me off the most. It was as if he was trying to have his last say. To me it’s quite hard to have a last say if you’re not saying anything at all. In my opinion, and I have a couple, it’s a rather cowardly thing to do. Not a good thing to do to someone you said you love for almost 6 years. I, however, digress.

Communication has always been a huge thing for me. We cannot survive without it. If you are in a friendship or relationship and do not have the ability to communicate, then you need to learn how or become a hermit. Really it’s communication with everyone that’s important. Your mailman, a cop, your mother… hell even the neighbors dog. Learn how to speak. Open up and share. And for Christ’s sake… be clear when you do!

It will be ok.


-N